On Her Blindness

I have mentioned before that I have a thing for English lit, well strangely enough I kind of like John Milton. Paradise Lost has meaning to me that few people will understand. Perhaps one poem will always come to mind. If you graduated from Hamilton High School after me then when you studied Milton with Rich you heard about me. Charlotte always mentions my relationship with this poem. Now at the time I really didn't realize how much emotion I brought with my recitation of the poem , but now I guess I understand. The poem is as follows:

On His Blindness

When I consider how my light is spent,
Ere half my days in this dark world an wide,
And that one talent which is death to hide
Lodged with me useless, though my soul more bent
To serve therewith my Maker, and present
My true account, lest he returning chide,
"Doth God exact day-labor light denied?"
I fondly ask, But Patience, to prevent
That murmur, soon replies "God doth not need
Either man's work or his own gifts; who best
Bear his mild yoke, they serve him best. His state
Is kingly: thousands at his bidding speed,
And post o'er land and ocean without rest;
They also serve who only stand and wait.

Now you can take from what you want of that poem or if you want an explanation then surf the web. The poem itself has meant a variety of things to me personally over the years. Different lines have come to me in different situations, but I am primarily gong to stick with one in this blog...."When I consider how my light is spent."
For many of you, you may think about this line as referring to what have you done with your life and honestly it kind of does for me, but in the following rambling blog you may come to understand why it has such an impact one me. Almost everyone who reads this will not read this with shock , but I am blind...well legally blind. You can go ahead and assume what you want but you should know by now what assuming gets you. Get ready this is going to be a long one.
As an infant my parents noticed something did not seem right with my vision. I would often gaze at the sun for periods of time, but it was obvious that is was painful, but I continued to do it. By the time I started walking it became more evident that something was not right because I stumbled and would walk into walls. Finally after going through a few doctors and the consideration to travel great distances to figure out the problem, I was diagnosed with Congenital Nystagmus (http://nystagmus.org/aboutn.html) will call CN, and Retinal Cone Dystrophy (http://www.naturaleyecare.com/diseases.asp?d_num=35) which Ill call RCD. I hope these links work. Now there are many sites to check out if you just Google the two diseases and if you are a facebook friend I belong to one group about CN but there are some related to RCD, but I feel like these two sites I linked have some good information. Let me begin by saying everything that you find does not necessarily mean I suffer from it. Also I really do not want to give lengthy descriptions of the diseases or list every little thing I suffer from. Read the sites then ask what you want. I should also say though I can sometimes be sensitive about it, so if we are not close friends do not expect me to to be completely open.
Okay so I will answer the most popular question, no I do not drive. Can I? Yeah I now how to, but I am mature enough to know that it would not be the wisest decision. I have considered using some new technology to drive at certain times of the day. There are people who suffer from CN who drive, but the thing is the two diseases combined is often the key reason why people like me can not drive. I guess RCD would be the primary disease because CN can be a result of it. My cones and rods do not operate correctly. Light really bothers me, but the upside I can see in the dark like a bat. If I have been in bright lights for long periods of time throughout the day then I get a headache. Also RCD causes some types of colorblindness. I can not explain my colorblindness, so please do not ask. I see shades of color but sometimes I can not tell the differences in blues and greens. I am more self conscious about this than any other part of the diseases. I will definitely joke about it to people who are closest to me, but if you are not do not go there because I will get irritated with you. My close family and friends just usually mention a lot of color talk. For example, they might say how do you like that pink shirt, etc. If you do the research you will find CN involves eye movement. Well I can not notice it, but my mom could always tell when I was sick because she said my eyes would move more. I do have a null that helps me focus but it really causes neck problems. Yes I definitely have to hold things up close to see because glasses can only do so much for someone who is legally blind.
Let me give you a little history. As a child i had to wear dark glasses. Of course ignorant people would always make jokes about it (Lesson: Be careful about sarcastically making fun of individuals because you never know if something is wrong with them). People would call me a little movie star or question why I did not take them off inside. (Thankfully my aunt Teena usually had some quick remark to hit them with...I guess I got that from her.) The reason was because I was extremely more light sensitive as a child. I am thankful that I wore them because now my eyes are stronger and most likely my sight will not deteriorate any faster than a normal aging person. I still wear sunglasses most of the time I am outside, but not indoors. I do use transition lenses, but I honestly like my polarized lenses in sunglasses because they are darker. You know I always liked the song " I Wear My Sunglasses at Night."
School was a major issue. At first, many people (okay some educators) felt like I should not go to a regular school, but my grandmother told my mother no way). They knew I was already pretty smart for my age since I could already read and do a lot of other things. My family just began to push me harder. My first teacher (Teena Cantrell) embraced me with no problem. She worked with my parents and did many things for me. Hey I mean she did not worry about me not knowing my colors because I sometimes helped the other children because I was the only one who could read the color name on the side of the crayon. You would thought that would have been enough, but in second graded my teacher seemed to think I needed to go to the "special reading" program, but I showed her. I went and with quickly Mrs. Lawler (glad she took more time to get to now me than my other teacher) realized I was a much better reader than those in my regular class and I did not need her program, but luckily I got to stay in there anyway well until it became evident that I needed to be in the highest level reading class.
I had some teachers who helped me in any way I needed and I had others who I felt just tried to see if I really could not do certain things. Little did they know that just pushed me even harder. I ended up doing quite well in school. For that I want to thank all my family, friends and those special teachers (I would never want to leave anyone out, so I should not try to list them. Of course I have already written about Charlotte).
When it came time to go to college my parents worried about me not being able to drive, but luckily my desire was to go to Freed Hardeman so that was not a problem since the campus was walkable. I did luckily have many friends who took me wherever I needed to go (Just like I did in high school). Lindsey of course always took good care of me. I really did not ever feel like my vision was a problem and really none of my professors ever questioned it. It was also never an issue about getting a job I think Vocational Rehab people had more of an issue than anyone. Do not get me wrong they helped pay for my school, but some of the advisors often were not the most encouraging. Also on a side note some of you may ask why I never considered SSI. Well I had to go through the process before Voc. Rehab give me school money. It was determined that I could do anything a normal teenager could do..apparently the inability to get a driver's license is not that out of the ordinary.
I guess the pessimistic person might say they do not know how I could do certain things in a classroom, but I really have not ever had any trouble, even when it comes to colors. I have worked with so many wonderful people who treat me as if nothing is different about me. I hope to them they do not think I am different because of my eye problems. I am sure anyone I know will tell you I am weird, but not because I can not see lie everyone else.
In conclusion it seems that I will not experience other serious eye problems as I age. I will lose sight just like other people will. As far I driving goes who knows what will happen. I am open to the possibly, but I do not want to put other people in danger. States are beginning to consider ways to allow people with my conditions to drive, so who knows. I know I can go from here to there, but long distances would not be a good idea. I do hope one day to get married and have children. Sometimes it scares me to think I might pass it on, but actually it was never found that I got it genetically, so most likely I will not pass it on. I would never say never.
I try to always explain to people that I might be considered legally blind by medical standards, but I can actually see just not the way everyone else does. In fact I often "see" things that most people miss because they are too busy looking past what is really there.
Sorry this was so long, but I wanted to try to explain a little about me, so when you are around me you are not wondering what seems to be wrong with me.

DVD's'R Me

I reflected on this a little in my You've Got Mail blog, but I must admit I own a few to many DVDs I used to own a lot of VHS tapes, but I have almost re bought them all on DVD. I really try not to spend a lot on them unless it is a movie that I really want then I buy it the day it is released. I do not have a certain genre. I have lots of all kinds except maybe horror movies. I am a girl so of course I have a variety of romantic comedies, but I really like comedies. One thing I really love is sports movies. I have lots of them.
My favorite memory concerning my collection is while in college Elizabeth and I had a really nice collection between the two of us so naturally people wanted to borrow our movies. The thing they did not bargain for was close to the end of the semester we sent out invoices to people who had not returned them.
One final note on my DVD is collection that you might find amusing is that I really do not watch many of the movies. I want to try to get better about it, but most of the time I watch then once and it may take years before I watch again. You might say that is a waste of money and I totally agree except who knows I might really get my mind on watching a certain movie and I want to have it available right then.

Coca Cola

What can say except that my days are much nicer if I have had my fix of Coke. It is funny that I chose to write about this because some of the things may not apply this week because I have not actually had any coke this week (the cold has drawn me closer to my coffee addiction). I guess if you do not know me you are beginning to think I am a caffeine addict...really I am not.
Now over the years I have a had a thing for me kinds of soda and I have even gone without any for long periods of time. If I remember correct I fell hard for Coke in college. I had been a fan of diet, but the vanilla variety later lured me to the classic version. You know it was also in college that I made my first visit to the World of Coke. If you have never been it is a cool trip. Sadly, I have been unable to visit the new one, but I had some good memories with Lindsey, Jessica, Nick and Landon at the last one. I'll never forget the taste testing.
These days I have to have at least 6 ounces a day from a bottle. I try to stay away from the cans, but sometimes I have to have one right then and I will take whatever. I do want to say I am not like my mother or Susan in that I will kill someone if I have not had my coke (in their case diet coke). Like I said I have made it this whole week without one.
What is my attraction to Coke? I can not answer that except I like the taste and I have to have it. Addicted...maybe...in love...yes.

Expect More Pay Less

If you know what that means then you already have a special place in my heart. Try this one "a new day a new place to save" or my favorite "there no place like Target at Christmas (or for that matter anytime) to save. Yeah that's it... I love Target.
Many people have their opinions of target and if they are negative then they were never really target shoppers anyway. I do sometimes have to shop other places because I am too far from a Super Target, but most of the time if it does not come from Target then I do not have it.
My love affair with Target came while in college. Fortunately I moved to a town that had a Target. Now if I ever moved that would be a prerequisite for a town. In fact recently someone said our Target was closing and my only thought was that I was going to have to move. Yes I am that obsessed.
Why do I love Target so? I don't know. I mean sometimes it can be more expensive and they do not sell some things I can;t love without, but on the other hand they have some of the neatest things and generally it is a much nicer atmosphere than that other retail giant.
I could go on for days, but I won't People who are around me regularly know my passion for the red and white. My favorite gift in the world is a Target gift card ( I got excited today when I received a free gift card with a purchase at Target). From allergy medicine to Ziploc bags I buy Target. Too bad I could never work there...red is just not a good color on me.

Dirty Jobs

Yes I did watch the show a lot but it has been a while since I have tuned in. Some of you might be trying to guess my dirty job and your guess would be bathroom detail with some of my kids...but no.
For a short period of time in high school I worked at a recycling plant. Now this is definitely not the dirtiest job I have ever done, but hey I needed a title. I do not know if you many of you know it and for that matter it may not still be open but at one time a family owned a recycling plant in Hamilton out on airport road. I did not work long hours. Honestly I only put in a couple of hours a day. I actually acquired the job through the school work program. The Emerson's who owned the pant had a contract with NTN Bower that gave them the chance to help recycle some of their products or to find ways to use recycled material to store their products. The part I have so far left out that was my fellow coworkers were young men on work release.
Let me explain my job at the plant first. I initially rolled recycled cardboard into small cylinders that would fit inside larger berrings for storage. I finished that job quickly so I began inspecting small berrings. I checked for scratches, buffed and polished them. Now I actually did not work alone. Two other girls helped out...Erica and Penelope. We actually never got talk to the boys, but one time one said a few choice things to one of the girls. I do not think he ever got to come back.
I on occasion got to separate recycled materials if I had time left on my shift. This job did teach me a few things. One everyone needs to do a little hard work. I was glad I learned that at a young age. I also learned that no one is above doing dirty work.
Finally I guess that is where I got my recycling obsession. Now it took me almost ten years after the job, but now I am a recycling machine. Many of you who know me know I am just as obsessive about the sorting as I am the recycling. I am really trying not to waste anything these days and i really try to conserve and recycle. I d believe we as a society have trashed our planet in so many ways and f we do not start doing something then things will only get worse. God gave us this beautiful place to use until the end of time ad we should take care of His planet. Don;t you ever wonder why people are more sick and have all these toxins. It is because we are polluted (in many ways, but I will not get into that). We all should consider taking care of what we have been given..get out and recycle. I was born to push this message. Earth Day is My Birthday after all!

The Pieces That Fit Together

Children with autism fascinate me. I do not want that to sound weird because I love these children , but they are such an interesting group of people. I guess it was in college when I first realized that I wanted to work with these children. I had the privilege of having a professor who had worked with children with autism for a number of yeas. I know I have talked about his somewhat when I discussed my job, but this was a part of my random things.
The title may throw some of you guys off, but Autism Speaks (an autism organization) uses puzzle pieces as their symbol. Why you might ask, well because all of them are different, but their tendencies fit together to make one whole individual person.
I love how they are all on a spectrum and no one is ever the same. You know for people to assume they are odd is a misconception because I mean we are all different aren't we?It is amazing to see how smart some of them are when most people think they are out there. Then I love to see the milestones that some of the more severe ones make.
Honestly I could write about his forever. I could tell stories of children I work with or others I have read about. I do not want to bore some of you, but just know I absolutely love these kids. I think they are some of the most wonderful humans ever created. I am sure some parents might not agree, but find the blessing in the world that these children live in. They are truly special.

A Little Coffee with My Oxygen

SO here I goes I said I would write about randomness the whole month of February and of course the day slipped up on me. I had great intentions of writing a couple of blogs that would be a bit more interesting, but they are not quite ready to publish. For those of you who did not read my last blog I want to explain that the idea for my random thoughts came from the 25 Random Things that has been floating around facebook (I have really enjoyed reading everyone's). Since I am behind already I will just start with my number one from facebook...coffee.
The title is a little lay on a Gilmore Girls dialogue. Needless to say I absolutely love coffee. Now some people prefer certain kinds, not me I drink whatever. I mean I prefer a strong cup or a nice white chocolate frappaccino., but I drink what is available. As I have gotten older I seem to go for more black, but I think it is only because I am too cheap to drink anything else. Also I mean if I am going to drink as much as I do then black is better for me than all the other sugar.
I fell in love with coffee at a young age, but I laid off it until the cappuccino craze of the late 90's. Then in college it became a must have. I almost broke the bank when Starbucks opened in Jackson then Bubba's bagels set up shop in Henderson. I had to have coffee so bad some nights I had to beg Liz or Claire just to walk with me across the street so I could get my fix.
Now some might think it is the caffeine in coffee that I need, but on the contrary I drink coffee in winter to warm me up so I can go to sleep. After college it took a long time to get back to simply black because I fell for all the tempting creamer flavors. I was a good PR person for nearly every flavor. My bunco women can attest to that. Sadly now I have said goodbye to most creamers except at night because I had to lose some weight and the first thing I gave up was sweet creamers.
I can admit that I am not addicted. I know it may seem that way but I bet I could go without it, but I dare anyone to spend the day with me the day I give it up. I do not know what I day without coffee is like. I do want you to understand that I am not someone who drinks it constantly all day because I hate the way it makes my teeth feel. No I am down to one black cup in the morning, one half caff or decaf cup at the Y when I finish working out (the only decaf I ever drink...i do not turn down "free" coffee) and then one cup with creamer at night when it is cold outside. I do not even care if it is scalding hot or cold I take it either way. Now I know I can survive on just one single cup in the morning, but I also know that I can make it on six to eight cups in one day. All the while never being affected by the caffeine. I just like the taste. I mean I will eat coffee flavored anything. I love the smell of it. When I feel sick the coffee smell makes my nausea go away.
I could go without a lot of things, even food but give me a little coffee with my oxygen:)